


Will you forgive me when I say goodbye?

by Girl_of_pure_memory_03



Category: Harry Potter Marauders Era
Genre: Anorexia, Deppression, Hurt/Comfort, I think I have to add OOC in, I'll add more on when I think of them, It's 12:00AM I'm tired, Minor Character Death, Panic Attacks, Self Harm, THATS IT! Post Prank, This all relates to Sirius somehow, attempted suicide, emotional breakdown, that's enough for now
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-06
Updated: 2017-04-26
Packaged: 2018-10-15 09:56:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 4,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10554378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Girl_of_pure_memory_03/pseuds/Girl_of_pure_memory_03
Summary: Sirius was tortured with the Cruciatus Curse in order to get the vital information that lead to the prank. But the other 3 marauders don't know this, and it's very hard for Sirius to tell them when they won't  talk to him. Then James says something. Something that shows Sirius how much his friends don't  care what happens to him. He sees only one way to let all this pain go. Only one way for a chance of forgiveness. He tries to kill himself and it's then and only then that the others realize what they have done. But tragedy after tragedy keeps on repeating itself, and it doesn't seem likely that Sirius can keep it up much longer.





	1. Crucio

 

Sirius was many things. Handsome, cheeky, arrogant...But scared was not one of them. Even as he was being cornered by his enemy, Severus Snape in the dark dungeon. "Black!" Snape screeched, slamming him into a wall. Sirius let out a low moan as he felt his arm break. " Did that hurt Black?" Asked Snape with a malicious grin. "No" Whispered Sirius hoarsely as he gritted his teeth in order to not let the pain get the better of him. Merlin, what did he do to deserve this? Of course he had been beaten countless times by his parents, but wasn't Hogwarts supposed to be safe? He looked outside. It must be around dinner. The full moon would be rising in 2 hours. Before he could continue thinking, Snape delved in his robes, retrieving his wand and aiming in him. Sirius mirrored this action almost immediately, causing his left arm to throb, but nonetheless holding his wand in his right arm and aiming the wand at Snape. "Ok Black" Snape started. "This can be easy. Tell me where you all go once a month, and I'll leave you mainly unharmed" "No" Sirius said simply. He saw Snape's lips curl up, and before he could react, Snape yelled "Crucio". The spell hot hitting him in the chest. He suddenly felt white hot pain shoot through his veins. He would not scream. He couldn't. "Black! Answer my question!" Snape said warningly. "NO" yelled Sirius. The pain started becoming unbearable. He couldn't hold the scream in much longer. But suddenly, all the pain stopped, and all that was left was a dull ache. "Didn't like that, did you Black?" Whispered Snape mockingly. Sirius glared daggers at the older boy in front of him. He fumbled for his wand, only to find it was a good 5 metres away. He sighed. Just great. Weapon less and being tortured. If only James or Remus was here. But they weren't. They were eating and getting ready for the full moon, like he should be. He gazed up at Snape, trying to silently plead with him to let him go. No positive response. Instead, Snape cast a spell at Sirius, instantly causing his hands to be bound. He whimpered in spite of himself. Merlin, could this day get any worse? The answer was yes. Once again, Snape fired the Cruciatus Curse upon him. He didn't hear Snape say the words, because he was greeted by pain, and it was back worse than ever. This time Sirius couldn't contain himself. He screamed loudly, causing Snape to draw off the curse. "Please stop!" Sirius pleaded. Snape looked at him without mercy. "Why should I?" The greasy haired said softly. "Because...Because it's illegal!" Sirius whimpered. "Oh. I know that" Whispered Snape so softly Sirius had to strain his ears to hear him. "I just don't care". Once again, Sirius heard the dreaded words, but they were modified this time "CRUCIO MAXIMA" was all he heard before he felt it. Pain like he had never felt before. It felt like someone was branding him with hot iron all over his body. It felt like someone was breaking all his bones. It felt like torture. He faintly heard someone yelling "All you have to do is prod the knob on the Whomping Willow and the rest will do itself!" Who would do such a thing? The voice sounded a lot like him. But then realisation hit him. The realisation of knowing it was his voice. His mind tried to force his voice to stop. But it wouldn't. Before he knew it, he felt pure bliss. All the pain stopped, and he barely registered Snape saying "Thank You Black, your information is most valuable" before he left the dungeon. Oh god. What had he done. He was in so much pain, but maybe...just maybe he could save Snape. He forced himself to sit up, and only then did he notice that the bonds in his wrists were gone. He reached into his robes and brought out the 2 way mirror. "James" he croaked weakly, and his relief James's face appeared in the mirror. "Padfoot. What..." But Sirius interrupted him. "James" he said weakly. "Snape is coming. Whomping Willow". The look on James's face was a bad one. "YOU TOLD HIM? YOU BLOODY IDIOT" He yelled. Sirius shook his head. "Didn't mean to..." He whispered hoarsely. "Of course you meant to you bloody bastard" James growled. "You know what. I don't care. Our friendship. It's over Black. I don't want you talking to me or video my friends again". And with that, James dropped the mirror and was gone. Sirius let out a cry of despair. It was to much for him to contemplate. He had just been tortured, lost his best friends and potentially had Remus put to death. It was to much. The pain was unbearable now. The world went Black.


	2. It's To Late Now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter, Sirius returns to the dorm where James is in a bit of a state. Although you may not like what he says, KEEP READING BECAUSE THE NEXT CHAPTER IS RIGHT THERE NOW!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok! I've just made another one! Although it's still the same day! I'm so very tired, but archive duty calls! ;)

It hurt. Everything hurt. Sirius forced himself to open his eyes and he found a faint light shining through a window. It wasn't moonlight, no; it was sunlight. He let out a strangled whimper as he felt his arm. Merlin, it hurt. But what hurt most was the memory of what happened last night. He was alone now. And that hurt. It hurt knowing that no one wanted him. He stood, and pain streaked through his body like a knife. But he'd have to be strong. Strong and alone. He climbed the stairs, his body and especially his arm screaming with agony. Finally, he made it to the top, and he let out a low scream. His legs shook and gave way, leaving him kneeling on the ground. He forced himself to stand, and gripped the wall for support. Students gave him odd looks as he passed. His arm was killing with pain. He just wanted to die then and there. Finally, he reached the Fat Lady. "What happened to you?" She asked shrilly. "Quidditch" He rasped, and to his relief, she let him in without further questioning. Sirius sighed as he realized there were more stairs to climb. His left arm was tucked into his side and his right kept on twitching unnaturally. He slowly began to climb, willing himself not to pass out. He knew what he would have to face when he got to the dorm, and it wasn't going to be pleasant. Finally, he reached the top of the stairway. He groaned as he pushed the door of the 5th year boys dormitory open. Much to his disappointment but not surprise, he was greeted by the angry face of his former best friend, James Potter. "ARE YOU MENTAL BLACK?!" He screamed after casting a silencing charm on the door. "James..." He said weakly. "DON'T YOU DARE CALL ME THAT, BLACK!" James yelled. "Please...let me explain..." He whimpered. Sirius glanced around the room. Peter was looking very uncomfortable at the situation, but was still supporting Janes wholesomely. Remus... Well Remus had the look of utter betrayal in his eyes, and Sirius dropped his gaze quickly. He couldn't bare that look from Remus. He staggered backwards, falling onto the ground as his legs gave way. "You're weak Black" James spat. "Weak and pathetic. I would appreciate if you stayed away from me and my friends forever". "I'm Sorry! I didn't mean..." Sirius started, but James cut him off. "It's to late now" He said scornfully. And with that, he stalked out of the room, with Remus and Peter close behind. Sirius let out a sob. Yes. He was weak. He was pathetic, and he knew that. But it was so much more painful hearing it coming out of his best, well former best friend's mouth. He pulled himself up and sat on the bed. His arm was really hurting, and he couldn't do healing spells perfectly, but he knew he had to try. After muttering the incantation a good 5 times, he finally felt the bones go back in place, and the pain disappeared. He lay his head on the pillow and shut his eyes, sleep quickly consuming him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks! Did you enjoy it? I've still got A LOT of chapters to go. But if you stay with me, I promise you'll see the end!   
> Remember, tell me what you think!


	3. Goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius begs for forgiveness one last time, and it is declined. Then James says something. Something that causes Sirius to attempt suicide. Find out what!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok. Thank you to anyone who has stuck by me!! I know it's hard to be patient with a 13 year old girl, so thanks!!

"Black, don't talk to me" Growled Remus. Sirius sighed. It had been one month since he had told Snape Remus's secret. One month since The Marauders has shut him out of their lives. "Remus please...just listen!" Sirius pleaded. It had also been a month since The Marauders stopped listening to him. They didn't know he had been tortured. They would probably never know. "I won't listen Black" Remus hissed. "I know what you told Snape!" "But you don't know everything!" "I know enough!" And that was the end of that. Sirius looked away so Remus wouldn't see the tears forming in his eyes. "Honestly Black" drawled a voice coming closer. "You really think we would forgive you?" Sirius looked up to see James looking him in the eye. "Because we won't" He continued. "We don't forgive filthy little traitors. You're no different from your family. The Sorting Hat must of been stupid!" James shook his head like he was trying to rid the Hat of whatever stupidity he thought it had shown. "Sorting you in Gryffindor! Honestly! That would have to be one of the most stupid things I have heard. Blacks belong in one place. And you are the Blackest Black I have seen in a long time". The room was silent. Everyone knew that there was a fight going on between The Marauders and Sirius, but this had gotten bad. Very bad. Sirius was horrified. He felt a lump form in his throat. "You don't mean that..." He rasped. "But I do" Sneered James, "I mean everything I say" "But..." "So I mean it when I say that you're a waste of life Black. No one loves you. No one ever will. God I understand your mother now Black! That's how bad you've become. Now get out of our lives before I have to do it for you!" Then he stormed away. Sirius choked on tears. "Fine!" He yelled. "that's it. I'm a Black! But one thing about Blacks is that they feel. The feel hatred, anger, sorrow! You don't know how it feels do you? You don't know what it's like to feel like not to be loved. And if u don't want to know me than fine. You won't have to know me. Ever again!" And with that Sirius ran up to the dorm, ignoring the confused looks on The Marauders faces as he ran by. His mind had been fighting a life changing, no life losing decision all week, and James had just helped him with the answer. Carefully on 3 bits of gold plated parchment (A gift from his parents before he was sorted into Gryffindor) he copied out the following messages:

Dear James,   
Today you showed me something that I was blind to. A Black is always a Black, wether they like it or not. You helped me make an important decision today. I'm sorry for interfering in your life, and I hope it's now happier without me. I just want you to know, that night I wasn't at dinner. That was because Snape was putting the Cruciatus on me. That's how he got the information. I've wanted to tell you this for a month now, but I suppose it's to late for all that. I want you to know you were like a brother to me, and I love you. I hope you forgive me when I'm gone, and remember me with a smile, not a sneer.   
Love you forever Prongs  
Sirius (Padfoot) Black 

Dear Remus,   
Today marks 29 days since I betrayed your trust. 29 days since the worst choice of my life. That choice was going down to the dungeon. Snape was ready, and I had the Cruciatus Curse out on me. I refused to give in until he used Maxima. I'm sorry Rem, I couldn't contain myself. I had to end the pain. I know you'll hate me forever now. I'm sorry. I loved you, and always will. I hope you know that. This was a hard choice to make, but thank you for helping. Don't blame yourself Remus.   
Farewell Moony  
Sirius (Padfoot) Black

Dear Peter,  
I haven't much to say apart from "I'm Sorry". Sorry for everything. Sorry for making you hate me. I understand that you'll never forgive me for hurting Remus, but the truth is, he wasn't the only one who got hurt, apart from emotionally, I was hurt physically. With the Cruciatus Curse. Snape did it. That's why I gave away Remus's secret. He put me through it to much. As well as breaking my arm, Snape did Maxima, and I can't describe how much it hurt. I know it's no excuse though.   
Goodbye Wormtail  
Sirius (Padfoot) Black 

 

Sirius reread the finished products 3 times each, and once satisfied on the outcome, he placed each one on the pillow of whatever Marauder it was addressed to. He remembered as a child joking about his last words. But know it seemed so real, because it was real. He took a deep breath and with his wand, conjured a sharp knife to appear. He sat in his bed, and held the knife above his right wrist, and then sliced a deep cut across the major vein. He watched as the blood started coming thick and fast. He repeated the same thing on his left wrist. "But I should make sure this is done properly" Sirius thought to himself. He lay his head down on his pillow. "Farewell James, Peter and Remus. I'm so sorry..." He chocked back a sob as tears started falling as fast as the blood onto the sheets. "I hope you forgive me now that I've said goodbye". And with that, he shut his eyes and plunged the knife into his chest. He didn't register the Marauders coming in to the dorm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reviews most welcome. These 3 chapters I've done today. Please leave a comment so I can get back to you!


	4. I forgive you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The title basically sums it up. 
> 
> This mistake has been made time an time again. THIS IS NOT THE END. STILL MORE TO COME!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANKYOU TO ANYONE WHO HAS READ THIS FAR!!! STAY WITH ME!

He awoke to pain. Merlin, was death really this painful? He had expected it to be short and sharp. Not painful at all. But no. Here he was, laying on something soft with the light shining through his eyelids. He stayed like that for a few moments, but curiosity got the better of him. He opened his eyes and was greeted by the tear stained faces of the the Marauders. James was the first to speak. "How are you feeling?" He whispered softly. "Note to self. That's why death is the better option", Sirius replied in a hoarse whisper. He looked at James to Remus, Remus to Peter and back to James. Each were sharing a very sorrowful, but slightly amused look. Remus smiled softly. "Siri..." He said gently, "You're not dead". "But..." He started, "We saved you Sirius. But only just", said Peter. Then it all came flooding back to him. "Oh Merlin! Remus I'm so sorry! Please..." But he was cut off. "Shh Siri. I forgive you". Sirius frowned. "Remus. I know I'm dead, and I don't know why you 3 are here unless..." Sirius was horrified at the thought, but Remus, James and even Peter were laughing softly. "No Sirius. We promise you're not dead" Replied James, who was still laughing slightly. Sirius was confused. "Then why did you forgive me?" He asked, most of the question directed towards Remus. Remus looked sad, "Was it true you had the Cruciatus Curse put upon you?" He asked. Sirius nodded slightly. "Oh Merlin! What have I done?!" Cried Remus. "You're not the only one Rem" Said James regretfully. " I'm so sorry Siri!" Said Remus, "I should've listened!". "It's fine Remus. Honestly!" Sirius said, just wanting to sleep. "Sirius..." James said slowly, "In my note, you said that you hoped my life would be better without you invading it!" Sirius sighed. He'd forgotten about that. "I was just saying what you told me James", he whispered, hoping James wouldn't take it to offensively. "Oh Merlin" Whispered James. "And that's why you did this? Because I told you to say out of our lives?" "Pretty much" Sirius admitted. Before anyone could reply, Madam Pomfrey came rushing over. "Good!" She said, sounding almost relieved. "You're awake!" Then turning to the other Marauders, she said "And you know what that means!" "Fine!" Janes, Remus and Peter stood up. "We'll be back later!" Hissed James as the walked over to the door. Sirius sighed, relieved, and sank into another deep sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading. I'll update soon.


	5. Memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to anyone reading this! Really appreciate it!! remember: Comments are more then welcome!

As he climbed on board the train, he collided with a boy, slightly older than him. “Hey! Watch it!” The Boy growled. “Sorry!” Sirius muttered. ‘Great first impressions,Black’ He thought. Suddenly a voice rang from the end of the carriage. “I wouldn't talk like that to him, Severus” It said cheerfully. Sirius looked over to see a much older boy with long blond hair looking over at them. “And why not?” Asked the boy called Severus. “Well”, the blond boy continued, “Have you ever heard of The Ancient And Most Noble House Of Black?” Suddenly Severus looked at him with an expression Sirius couldn't read. It was something between scorn and loathing. “I'm not like my family!” Sirius said. “Exactly”, he heard Severus mutter. The blond boy raised an eyebrow. “See you in Slytherin Sirius!” He called. Before leaving, he said “Malfoy. Lucius Malfoy” Then he was gone. Sirius frowned. How did Malfoy know his surname? Or more of the fact, his first? He looked at the boy who's name was Severus, who was looking at him in awe. “Snape’s the name” He said, then he quickly ran after Malfoy.   
“Potter. James Potter”. Sirius shook the tall boy’s hand. “Sirius. Sirius Black” He said. If James had had any doubt, he managed to hide it. Suddenly, the door opened once again, and in walked another tall boy with brown hair, followed by a small boy with mousey hair“Can we sit here?” The taller of the two asked shyly. “Yeah, if you want” Said James briskly. The 2 boys sat down, and they all sat in silence for a bit until Sirius could bare it no longer. “So”, he asked, making the other 3 jump. “Are you 2 going to introduce yourselves?” The tall brown haired boy was the first to recover from the shock. “Remus. Remus Lupin”, he said. Sirius looked to the other boy, who jumped. “P-Peter Pettigrew”, he stuttered.   
“Black, Sirius!” Called out Professor McGonnagle, a stern witch in her mid thirties. Sirius held his breath as he walked onto the platform. All the other students, save the Slytherins, weren't very interested in his Sorting. They all expected him to be in Slytherin, like every other Black had been before him. Sirius placed the hat on his head, his heart beating fast. He heard a little voice in his ear. “So…you're a Black!” It said. Sirius suddenly felt a little agitated by the way the hat said it. “So what if I am?” He snapped. “But…” Said the hat slyly, “You're not like the others are you?” Sirius’s heart began to beat fast. He looked around the hall. People were muttering, probably about how long it was taking to sort a Black. “You don't think it's right do you”, the hat continued, “You don't like your parents beliefs”. Sirius felt like he'd throw up. He didn't want to be sorted into Slytherin. No. But being sorted into another house would cause the most severe punishments. “You're brave, loyal to those close to you. I can only think of one place for you”. There was a pause. Then…  
“GRYFFINDOR! YOU BLOOD TRAITOR!” Sirius felt tears pouring down his face. “WE RAISED YOU ON SILVER AND GOLD! YOU’RE A DISGRACE TO THE BLACK NAME!” They were in the great hall at breakfast, and a mere week had past. Ever since he (James, Remus and Peter) was sorted into Gryffindor, he had been dreading this. Sirius and the other boys had already made a firm enemy. Severus Snap, the boy he had met on the train. “WE ARE ASHAMED TO CALL YOU OUR SON!!” The letter screeched. Sirius wanted to leave that spot there and then, but he was to petrified to move. Snape was smirking at him with a look that said ‘You deserve it Black. I hate you. You deserve this pain and embarrassment’. James, Remus and Peter were staring at him, mouths open slightly. Suddenly, the letter exploded into flames, burning his hand. He yelped in pain and shock as he felt the heat. Sirius looked around the hall. Everyone was staring at him. He wouldn't allow this. With one last glance at the letter, Sirius jumped up and left the hall.   
“CRUCIO!” Sirius felt the pain rush through him. He yelled in surprise as his mother slapped his face hardly and he felt onto the ground, where his father stepped on his hand, causing, a boot print to be imprinted in to his skin. “We're done with teaching you Sirius”, his mother said cruelly. Once again she aimed her wand at him and yelled…

Sirius sat up, tears pouring down his face as he looked into the concerned faces of James, Remus and Peter. “Are you alright Siri?” Asked Remus nervously. “Yeah”, Sirius replied, his voice still shaky, “Just a dream”. ‘No, they weren't dreams’, Sirius thought, ‘They were memories’. He had been in the Hospital Wing for a week now, and he didn't know how much longer he could contain himself before he had to sneak out. “Go back to sleep, Pads”, whispered James. Obeying, Sirius lay his head back down on the pillow and shut his eyes. He was still awake the next morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm literally working on the next chapter now. I'll upload it when it's done!


	6. Trapped

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all you wonderful people reading this. This is a kinda shortish chapter coz I'm tired (it's 3 in the morning) and the next chapter's gonna be a long one ;)

"Please can I leave?" Begged Sirius. He was sitting on the bed in the hospital wing, being what he called force fed foul tasting potions. "Absolutely not", Madam Pomfrey said without hesitation. Sirius groaned. "I've been here for a week and a half", he groaned. Madam Pomfrey gave him a weak smile. "Mr Black", she said gently, "I have my own very strict rules here. A certain injury may consult to you having a certain amount of time here, while another will give you another". She hesitated. "You still have another 2 weeks here", Madam Pomfrey said softly. Sirius gaped. "I'm sorry...I don't think I heard you right. I thought you said 2 weeks". "That's exactly what I said Mr Black". Sirius almost cried. "Why?" He muttered. All he did was slit his wrist and stab himself in the chest. Ok, when he said it to himself, it sounded very bad. But Madam Pomfrey had healed that a week ago. Why did he have to stay now? Madam Pomfrey answered that for him. "Sirius", she said kindly. "It was always going to be 2 weeks before you made a full recovery. But..." Another hesitation. "Attempted suicide is serious, and don't you dare. We know that it's your name, as well as a formal part of the English language. Anyway, it's the order to keep you here for at least another week be fire I'm allowed to release you. I'm sorry". She gave him a sympathetic smile, like she knew the pain he had to go through. But all she said was "Open up!" Before tipping the first vile tasting potion down his throat.  

"2 weeks? 2 weeks?" James moaned. Sirius nodded sadly. He had just broken the news to the other Marauders. "Why?" Asked Remus. Sirius twisted uncomfortably. Did he really hazard to tell them? Yes he did. He took a deep breath. "Attempted Suicide earned me another week and a half", he said sadly. Remus sighed. "We're sorry", he said. Sirius frowned. "Why?" He asked, confused. "We're the whole reason you're in here!" Blurted out James. Sirius shook his head. "No. It was all my fault! I told Snape how to get past the Whomping Willow. I betrayed your trust". Remus glared at him. "Don't you say that Siri. Don't you dare say that!" He took a breath. "You were under the Cruciatus, no one can blame you now!" Sirius smiled weakly. It was good to know that his friends now cared. In fact, it just felt good to have friends. Suddenly Madam Pomfrey can rushing over. "Out you 3. Out!" She said firmly. "He needs to take his potions, and that will be hard whilst talking to you about your next prank". James sighed audibly. "Well...see you later Siri!" He said, winking. Sirius smiled in return as the others left, leaving him alone with no one but himself, Madam Pomfrey, and the horrid potions.


	7. WARNING

BASICALLY IM NOT GONNA CONTINUE THIS STORY UNTIL I HAVE ATLEAST 5 COMMENTS!!! HAVE I MADE MYSEKF CLEAR???

**Author's Note:**

> Hey all! Thanks for reading!  
> Fact: I am just a VERY inexperienced 13 year old writer in year 7 who quite frankly, LOVES THE MARAUDERS (But out of all of them, Sirius Black)! Comments are most welcome. Thanks.


End file.
